30 hours into a 13 hour coaching contract and it is all worth it to see the transformation that occurred today.
A family who has struggled for years with communication, feeling unheard, unseen, criticized, untrusted, betrayed, put down, and a fight with cancer, now sees the cause and can now repair and rebuild the relationship they had 14 years ago.
The idea of pretending they are great in front of their 2 kids, is only fooling them. How great are they when their kids never see their parents talking, touching, or laughing together? How are you describing “great?” Do you really know what your kids are feeling? Depending how your kids take in information and feel it, some may tell you, while others may feel they do not want to “add” anything to the disconnect that is obvious.
How did we get here? Somewhere a long the way, blame took over. When you blame others, you are not hurting them. You are not destroying them. You are not changing the situation. All you are doing is destroying yourself. You are hurting yourself. No change has occurred by blaming others.
When you want change, you must 1st see, what is your accountability in the situation? What could you do different? The hardest concept to accept is, you can NOT control another person’s behavior. It is easy to hear, easy to agree with, and yet one of the hardest thing to accept. If we truly accepted this concept, why would we continue trying to change others?
Today, helping this couple get to the cause and stop dealing with the effects, transformation happened. The cause was created by one word that was used months and months ago that stayed in the woman’s head, “divorce.” No matter how many times others and her husband had said, “divorce is not happening” she never truly heard it until today. What changed? To be honest, I do not even think she understood she was taking every little argument, or a difference in tonality as “yes he wants to divorce me.”
Could you imagine, living with your spouse and thinking each day, that if he used the wrong word, tonality or disagreed with you, that it meant “divorce.” I too, would probably create a behavior to protect myself and my family. I too, might create stories to help prove my point.
When the right person asks the right questions, change can happen in a blink of an eye. ~ Veenu Keller
I simply asked after sifting through all the story and emotions, “what does it mean to you?” In that second, she broke down and she said “he wants to divorce me.” The face on her husband went from confused to total compassion. He said in a soft, caring voice, “you think that every time we disagree, or we argue I want a divorce.” WOW! I think we just found the missing puzzle piece. I then asked another questions, “what do you need right now to know, that divorce is not an option?” She then said, “I need to hear from him, that he wants me, this marriage and our family.”
I was able to witness the most amazing, beautiful transformation before my eyes. He was able to be so vulnerable and share his true feelings and give her what she needed in that moment.
The blame went away, the truth started to pour out and for the 1st time they both were able to see what their accountability was in getting to this point. For the 1st time in years, they were able to take a moment without anyone and spend quality time together. No words are needed, they just needed to feel once again each other’s presence.
Now when they tell their kids they are fine and happy their actions will start to match. Our kids feel more than we think they do. They do not want us to tell them, they want us to show them. It is beautiful how the parents stepped up, owned their behavior and not only said what they are willing to do, but showed their kids and families what they are willing to do.
Is relationships great everyday? Ummm, I’ve never met anyone that had a relationship that is great everyday. I do know you can chose the meaning you want to give it though. You can say you have your “good days and bad days” Or “ups and downs” Or “days to celebrate and days to grow.” When you change the meaning, you can change the relationship.
Nothing has a meaning, but the meaning you give it. ~ Tony Robbins
Where is blame hindering the growth of your relationship?