One of my favorite suggestions to give to parents if your kid doesn’t have much self-regulation is that one really good starting point is to use a parent-child journal that you write back and forth to each other. What does that do? It gives you a kind of framework, a structure, to build communication with your child. And so you kind of use it in a way that’s very open and very flexible, and you even set some rules around it. You know that we’re just going to write back and forth to each other once a day. Like, you can write about whatever you want, and whatever you write about in here, you’re not going to get in trouble for. And it’s also going to be kept private, so even if it’s only between one parent and one child, it’s going to be private between the two of us, and we’re going to try and keep it in a secure spot. And what I have found is that it often starts off very benign, where, like, the child is just sharing, like, “This is so dumb,” or they’re talking about something like a math test or whatever, but then over time, they actually start to share more and more. And so I found it to be a really valuable tool for where parents can just kind of start to build that communication.
My daughter’s coach actually had her start writing in a journal. Instead of telling the world how much you hate mom, hate your brother, or hate dad because you’re mad because you had to clean your room, write it down. And so it was interesting because she was sharing with us, she says, “So I have a journal now, and it’s very private. And so I’m asking you and dad never to read it. And I’m like, “That is a promise that we can make with you. That is your space, and we will honor that.” It’s building that trust between you and your child. I need my daughter to trust that I am going to give her that privacy. We’re still working on the privacy with the phone because I’m like, “No, I am going to check your phone.” And she doesn’t get that. But your journal, on the other hand, is totally private. As a matter of fact, she says, “I’m going to take it to school. So when I’m angry with my teacher or my friends,” and my husband’s like, “Maybe not at school. Because if you leave that one place, someone’s going to read it. Just keep it at home. Maybe write on a piece of paper what you feel. And when you get home, you could put it in the journal, or you can rewrite it in the journal.”
Even with couples, I tell them, ”When you’re in a space with your partner, wherever you guys are, you’re just full of blame and shame, and it’s not going back and forth. Stop talking to each other. Take out the tonality and send a text message, and just stick to the facts of what you need and how they can support you.” And it’s amazing because, after a day of doing that, they’re able to communicate again because the emotions of it are out. So I feel like it’s the same line of thinking when you’re talking with parents and kids.
Listen to the full episode here:
“Emotional intelligence” with Dr. Melanie McNally | Part 2
https://sites.libsyn.com/471660/emotional-intelligence-with-dr-melanie-mcnally-part-2
Information about Dr. Melanie McNally:
https://www.destinationyou.net
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