There’s no judgment about the questions. And I’ve always told parents, “Are you having a meaningful conversation with your kid?” And most people can’t remember the last time they did, but they definitely can remember the last time they had conflict. It is important to have a way of inviting conversation because, back in the day, as a busy mom, I would say to my kids, “How was your day?” They say, “Good,” and I’m like, “Okay, good.” There’s no conflict. And I thought it was like the past, where there were no problems to solve. So that’s not one more thing I have to do. And now, because I have younger kids, I ask again, “How was your day? It was good. What was good about it? Is there anything going on in your life right now that I could support you with? Were there any challenges that you saw today?” So again, just different questions to make the conversation more meaningful so your kids know they can come to you.
They know that you are open to receiving whatever they need to say without judgment and that they don’t need to be scared of you. It’s not going to be a lecture and not to be seen as a lecture because I think that when kids see they’re going to be in trouble or they’re going to get lectured, they don’t want that. They want someone to really hear them and understand them. And it’s like I tell couples that I work with, “Sometimes your wife just wants to vent. She doesn’t want you to fix it. And sometimes she wants you to support her in fixing it.“ So finding out what it is, and the same thing. Are you here to vent, or do you want me to support you in it? And honestly, that has really changed a lot of the dynamics with the families I’ve worked with, just by the parents saying that to the kids. Because, number one, the kids are like, “What? You were literally going to just let me talk about my day, and you’re not going to judge me for it.” And it’s a relief to these kids. It really is a relief. And they feel accepted.
When I’m coaching parents, I ask them, “What do you say when you pick up the kids?” And they said, “How was your day?” And I said, “Look, don’t do that. Ask them what was great, what was magical, what was fun about today.” And as you enter, as you pick them up, have their music on. Not your music, have the music that the kids like so that as soon as they get in the car, they’re in a great state. They’re happy, they’re playful, and you can make it fun because most kids, when they come in the car, are miserable. And honestly, we’re responsible for that because they see us as miserable. They see us as miserable. But if they see us as fun, they’re going to be bouncing up and down, and it’s going to be so much more joyful, and then they’re going to be talking to you. The definition of love is acceptance. Accept them as they are. When they were very young, they could do anything, and you never complained, but they reached a certain age, and then you had an expectation, you had an attachment, and you had it, and that’s where things go wrong.
Listen to the full episode here:
“Embracing Parenthood: Nurturing Awareness, Acceptance, and Unconditional Love” | with Anil Gupta
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